I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
