Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
