she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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