my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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