Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
