so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize