I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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