he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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