possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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