I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize