ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
no, he came in my armpit
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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