i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
