i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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