I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
