I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
