Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize