just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
