we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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