I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
