wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
