I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize