my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Mom said you looked used
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
where are my eyebrows?
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