I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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