Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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