I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
