i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
