haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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