call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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