my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Your penis caused this!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
