Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
