Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
