You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
