Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Terrible idea I love it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize