I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize