Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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