Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Come share oat with me in your robe
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
