Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
