It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
