I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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