Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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