oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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