I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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