dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
