Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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