Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
