went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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