I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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