wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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