Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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