just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
