Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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