Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
