I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
