all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
