My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
