What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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