Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
