I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
